wuaaaaa..

i wanna go back in time..

i want everything to go back to normal..

T.T..

i don't want to hurt her..

it's just an unbearable feeling to have..

to hurt someone that care about you..

please let me go back in time and prevent myself from hurting her..

at least it'll reduce the depression that i have to life..

even just a little..

i..

am..

really..

sorry..

that..

i..

hurt..

your..

feelings..

sis..

maybe i do deserve being treated like this after making sis like that..

you know that i listen to you..

so i will follow what sis say..

i will stay away..

soon i'm gonna stay away forever..

very soon..

T.T..

so don't worry..

it won't be long until that time comes..

^.^..

so you can be happy..

yay..

no more interruption..

i wanna tell you about the girl i saw at FHM..

she was..

umm..

actually i don't know anything about her..

she looks like a princess..

i really cannot explain how she look like..

cause i never see anything like that before..

she was really beautiful..

i wish i can see her again..

really wanna see her..

at least before that time comes..

why??

why is it so hard to understand someone??

why is it so hard to make someone care??

why is it so hard to be alone??

why is it wrong to be someone else??

whenever i try to make someone understand they won't understand it no matter what..

and who wants to care about me anyway right..it just don't fit the picture to care someone like me..

i tried to be alone..but people just keep coming into my life..i don't wanna hurt anyone anymore but eventually i do hurt someone's feeling..

i tried to be someone else..but people insisted that i be myself..that is the worst thing that shouldn't have happen..

why everything in life not according to what i wanted?? i don't want to be rich.. i don't wanna be famous..

i just want to be alone and everyone to be happy.. i had it with hurting people feelings..i don't want to burden anyone anymore..

by the way blog..i'm sick..>.<.. my asthma is acting up and i have a headache.. at least i can tell something about my health..^_^..

life is weird..it goes way beyond any of your imagination.. something just happen in life without us plan about it.. for some people it goes the way they wanted.. for me none of it goes the way i imagine..i still don't know why i live in this world.. i mean the purpose me living in this world.. i'm not that religious type of person..all i do is make a lot of sin and burden and trouble everyone else.. i'm to tired to think what is my purpose already.. i hurt to many people.. i don't deserve to live in this world.. why can't i just die?? why can't an accident happen to me?? please.. it is just to hard to live this life.. please.. i really need some awful accident happen to me so that i would stop doing stupid stuff in this life.. if my heart is listening.. please stop beating.. for the sake of other people.. i'm begging you heart.. please stop..

june 2011

this was the start of my new life.. i'm gonna live alone for 27 months..gonna be learning culinary..it's all because i was amazed with all the famous chef on television..i'm interested in culinary cause i wanna cook something delicious for my family..and i hope to cook for someone special..really wanna cook for her..^_^..

i don't know why but it seems that everyone is pushing me aside..i just need to be sent but no one can do that..i haven't heard any news from my friends..everyone is using me..it makes me sad but i got to make them happy..i'm not gonna try make friends when i started my studies..i just don't want to hurt them..it's better to prevent then to cure a broken heart..and my number always seem got a wrong number messaging or calling my number..i'm thinking of changing..but i'm just gonna hold on to this number for a little while more..

i'm worried about her..but she a tough girl..haha..a brilliant girl actually..she's studying hard there..hope she can get an excellent result..once in awhile i wish i was studying with her..but what to do..our road haven't crossed each other yet..i don't even know whether our roads will crossed each other..if fate make's it then i will really be grateful..still contacting her once in awhile..i don't any news i can share with her..and she is busy with her works there..really miss her..

^_^

it's fun to live in this world..it's just the best..haha..
to many problems..but no solution..haha..
well..that's what people call living..
you just have to sucked up all that problems and just move on like nothing ever happen..that's the only way..

why??

why can't i forget about her??

it's sad to stay like this..

it was a mistake to fell in love with her anyway..

cause she was never meant for me..

although we had some happy time together..

it only became a memory for me..

even if it was a memory..

it was the best memory i ever had..

when i first saw her..

i was nervous..

i don't know why..

it just happen..

but after awhile i knew her..

it was fun to be her friend..

she has a complicated personality..

that's why it's fun to be with her..

i promised that i won't leave her..

how can i do that??

it's really hard when your not meant for that person..

i really don't know what to do..

how can i keep that promise??

it was just find when she was only my friend..

but something in the world made her mad or something..

we didn't talk for a month..

in that time i waited..

i begged..

i was thinking of a way for her to talk to me back..

even ask for a friend a.k.a. kakak to help..

after that tragedy happen..

she only talk to me a little bit..

at that time i started to miss her..

her beautiful voice..

her cute smile..

her sweet face..

and most important of all..

her pretty eyes..

if that tragedy never happen..

i would only be her friend..

but since it happen..

i realize something..

but i need some clarification..

so i ask my kakak(friend) what's wrong with me..

then she said that i'm in love with her..

my heart started to pound faster everytime i saw her..

i smile every time i see her face..

it was only in the past anyway..

i can't move on..

i don't want to..

because i'm in love with her..

and i promised i won't leave her..

^_^..

>.<..

if god wills it..

someday i will move on..

but for now..

i just have to wait..

it's over..

i'm tired of my life..really tired of it..i'm just being used all the time..
it's better i'm not around anymore..everyone's life would be much easier..much happier..no one will miss me..no one will remember me..what can i do..nothing..i'm just letting anyone used me cause i don't want anyone to get hurt..it's better for me to die..i'm not talking bout killing myself..it's stupid.. even though there is so much pain in my heart..i just kept in inside..someday i will die..before that day comes..i just live through the pain that grows everyday..