it has to be done..

now the waiting.. i don't know how long the chain reaction will take but i hope it will be as soon as possible.. it would be better.. muahahahahahahaha.. why am i doing this?? this is what i called changing the routine of my life.. maybe there is a possibility that i get out of this routine that have been in my life for a very long time.. anyway.. it's better to be isolated by everyone.. hahaha.. it's just the best thing that could ever happen to me.. i just hope it really happen.. cause now that i realize that my life would be better the miserable it gets.. its no use if you try to explain to anyone.. the wouldn't not understand it anyway.. i'm not like some ordinary people that can have friends and family by their side.. i only exist to suffer.. the more i suffer the more happy i am.. maybe i'm a psychopath or maybe i just got a mental problem.. haha.. it would be fun if i turn to someone crazy.. that would be cool..

it's impossible

i don't have any friends.. i don't want to have friends.. there is no use to have friends.. people won't understand the pain i felt.. they never felt what i felt before.. the pain of losing friends.. the pain of being used by others.. they never actually want to be friends with you.. they just used you until they accomplish their objective and they will disappear without saying anything.. they don't even freaking care about you.. no one will understand how you feel.. not even your family.. the only thing i wish now is everyone hate me.. i mean really hate me.. that would be peaceful for me.. i would love to be alone in this world.. that is the only solution i can think of.. it would be nice to stay in the dark and out of sight from everyone..

.

i don't even really know what happen.. i don't want to care about it actually.. but my heart say otherwise.. it is really sad for me.. i can't do anything anyway.. what's in the past it's better to be forgotten.. i have to move on.. when something is not meant to be it is just not meant to be.. if you are meant not to have friends just freaking accept it and move on.. there's nothing u can even do.. but it's hard when you experience it over and over and over and over again.. it become more painful through time.. sometime you just give up on everything.. that's why i always over thinking stuff before doing it cause i know the outcome will be the same no matter what.. i think it is really stupid to have friends.. why?? cause i know i will end up hurt.. i'm tired.. really tired..

sadness

usually sleep can cure anything.. by why does it not want to make the sadness go away?? why is the pain still there?? how long am i going to be like this?? maybe i should have a don't care attitude where i don't have to care about anything.. maybe the pain will go away.. maybe the sadness will stop.. i won't ever know.. what can i actually do?? i also don't know.. how long have I been in this state of emotion.. i lost count also.. and i almost snap that day thinking there is no use being in this world.. i don't even want that incident to repeat itself again.. but if i were to stay in this state there is a possibilities that it will repeat itself again.. i have really nothing to say now..

XD

i don't know why.. recently i feel like i want to be alone.. bloggie..what's wrong with me?? lol.. i'm weird.. i'm still trying to figure out why am i like this.. i hate myself for being like this.. i'm sad.. and nothing seem to cheer me up.. i feel sick.. like very freaking sick.. feel like puking.. and the head is dizzy.. feel very sleepy.. no energy.. bloggie.. help me.. i trying my best to not feel sick.. hahaha.. i wanna to hide all the pain, all the sickness, basically i want to hide everything that i can that make anyone concern about me.. i just want to show them the happy, healthy me even though i am sick..haha.. i need to change myself.. need to show them the normal me.. i don't want to let anyone take the burden for me.. let me alone suffer all the pain all the sickness by my own power.. because in this world we need to learn to be independent and not always rely on others.. when you rely to much one someone, how could you manage yourself when the person no longer there for you??

i'm weird

bloggie.. i feel nervous.. i think i miss someone.. why am i like this.. T.T.. it's very not fun to feel like this.. i'm worried.. lol.. i wanna to see you again..T.T..