In life there is nothing for you to lean on or anyone to lean to..life is like a survival for your own life facing through any obstacle that may be in your way..But after being in pain like this for a long period of time just makes you need someone to be around and take care of you.. but no matter how hard I hope for it to happen it never going to appear no matter what..It is sad but that is what my life is..sadness..nothing more.. I really want to turn it around so much but it's not even possible. .I tried but it ended up just a false alarm..i need someone..I just don't want that to happen again..I really don't want it to happen ever again..

It won't be the same

The past the present the future.. its not the same for each sequence..Each sequence has its own story what happen in the past is because what you did in the past..The present never stayed long it never stayed at all, it just keep moving and becoming a part of the past..While the future is the unknown..people think that whatever the do in the present might lead them to the future they want but it never was like that..The future is like the galaxy..you never know where will you turn up but still try to get to the destination you wanted..sometimes it's just better to do your best in the place you turn up in rather than trying to go further away..not saying that don't chase the dream that you are after but try to enjoy what you have rather than what you want..even if it's not a big accomplishment but it's just better than getting disappointed trying to get too far too fast..people in this world are racing against times to get rich as fast as they can but they never seem to try to enjoy their life buy rather suffer in it.. Every single day is a different day..That's the best thing human can have..They won't experience the same thing every each day so it's best to enjoy the different days as the time goes by..

It's repeating again

I keep repeating the same stupid mistake all over again..why can't I just be quiet and live by myself rather than doing this thing again? ? I really can't stop being curious at everything right?? Haih.. why are you doing this to me my own body?? Why can't you just be alone by yourself and just isolate yourself from everyone?? Why must ask that sort of questions or cared too much of other people..can't you just ignore everyone?? You need to ignore everyone..don't ask anyone anything..Just keep quiet..shut your mouth god damn it..stop trying to know about people..The only thing you need to know is to get out of everyone's life and just like last time be used as a tool..there's no use trying to care about all the pain in your heart..cause at the end of the day you are just some tools for other people to use for their own benefit..your purpose to live is only to benefit other and not benefit yourself.. when people become successful you should be happy and continue to help others to be successful..

Every smile hurts me more..

A smile is something that can make people happy..even if that person is having a very bad day seeing Someone else smiling makes you feel at ease..that's why I like to smile when I see other people..even if it hurts me at least other people will be at peace..or even happy..It's like an obligation for me to make everyone else feel happy even though it doesn't help me in my condition..It's just sad that I can't really feel any happiness for myself..It's very sad..

It's a very cloudy day

Life is very weird..because no matter how hard I wish for some happiness in my life I never seem to get it..I tried everything possible..I played games..I hang out with people.. I get a long with people but at the end of the day I was still alone..I don't know why but even if there was a lot of people around me I still felt isolated..like I'm being pushed aside by everyone.. I made people laugh I made them smile..but none of them knows how I really am inside..even if I tried my hard to explain it to anyone no one understand and everything ended up destroyed..That's why this life is so hard to manage..Everyone progress when they work hard in life..I don't. .I only get lower the more I try to make myself happy, to get myself a friend.. I always lose everything when I tried hard to achieve it..That's why my life is weird..It go backward for me when it goes foward for everyone else..For me hope is just a hope..A dream is just a dream..nothing else..why does everyone get to move on with their life but not me..I tried very hard every time it's like a useless attempt for me..

It's a must

I have to avoid everyone today no matter what.. I need to start now..If not I will only repeat the same mistake like I did in the past..I've been repeating the same mistake since last time and I never learn from it.. After being hurt for so many times I need to change it.. even if it's lessen the pain just a little..I need to do it..I have been in this state for far too long and I don't want to have another breakdown like I did last time..I guess that was the worst point that I ever experience..I know that at some point it might repeat itself..that's why I need to lessen the pain so that it won't reach that critical point..yeah..I'm scared actually..I'm very scared of myself and what I might do..I can't even predict what I'm going to do..sometimes my body just react to my feelings..I don't know why I can't control it..maybe something else took over me and I'm actually just stuck in my own mind unable to do anything..I just don't know how to take control of my body back..sometimes like now I am myself..But most of the time I'm just in my mind..I know I really need help or I think I should be locked up in an asylum..its not that I can't. .just my body won't let me..After being left that day it almost made me crazy..ya I really did almost went crazy..my body never listen to me..It just says and do whatever it wants..I just don't know what to do..I know I'm not telling it to anyone..I guess it's just better if no one is involve..too many people got hurt..its just not worth it to get anyone hurt anymore..

I just feel like there is no where else for me to talk rather than here..even if it's weird to talk alone but it's the only thing that I can do..I don't really know what to talk about but I just want to write something..writing here makes me think more about my own life and what I have to do to avoid people.. I guess this place is a sort of a diary for me..Where I complain about how terrible things I'm doing to people..What I deserve for hurting people..What I deserve for being weird.. I know I keep repeating the same thing in every post but that is only thing I can talk about..how to talk about I'm very happy when I'm not.. everyday is a painful day for my heart..It just ache every time.. Every minute..Every second..I know I'm depressed.. I don't want any medicine for that.. cause I deserve to be like this after all that I've done to people..After everything..I deserve every single ounce of hate and misery that the world can give.. its better when everyone hate you cause you won't be in their life to hurt them..Everyone can be avoided from getting hurt by me.. even if I wish to be happy I know I just can't. .cause this is the path that have been decided for me..even if there was a choice given the road will eventually return back to this path. .I just want to run away and be away from humans so that I won't be any inconvenience to them..